Monday, June 25, 2012

Through My Nonexistent Child's Eyes: National Migraine Awareness Month #25

June is National Migraine Awareness Month. Today's prompt is: "Through My Children's Eyes" Write a letter to yourself from your children.

Dude. What a difficult prompt for those of us who have had thus far had our dreams for parenting and having a family thwarted by Migraine disease. I saw that some bloggers wrote letters from their pets which is a cute idea. I loved reading a honest and loving letter written by Nancy Bonk's daughter, Sarah to her mother here.  It is so good to see how children can grow up in a household where a parent is suffering greatly from Migraines and be so well-adjusted, loving, compassionate and be able to see and appreciate the strength that her mother has.

In the Spring of 2010, I finally thought Dr. R and I had found the magic management plan for myself of a combination of treatments and I thought my disabling Migraines were behind me. By August of 2010, George and I were pursuing adoption (not wanting to put my body through the difficulties of a pregnancy). We worked on a grueling home study including attending many educational classes, writing a 10 page biography, going through interviews, getting background checks, spending thousands of dollars ect.

Our adoption agency, domestically only does open adoptions (meaning you keep contact with the birth parents) and so we were about to start our "Dear Birth Parent" letter which is a way for birth parents to choose the family they want to meet to potentially place their child with. We were emotionally invested.  But everything went haywire when I developed Meniere's disease ending up with surgery in March 2011 and in the end of November 2010, one of my Migraine preventatives stopped working which jammed up the works and I was back to being disabled by Migraine disease. Adoption halted.

It was heart-breaking. I felt that was our chance for parenting through adoption. Our one chance to prove to the many people evaluating us, but especially the birth parents, that I was healthy enough to parent. With open adoption, the birth parent picks the adoptive parents. Now, no matter how well I get,the chances of a birth parent choosing George and I to parent their child as my health history is less than stellar is quite low. And yes, we have to be completely up front with our health histories. I have heard other individuals with chronic illness waiting as long as six+ years to be chosen and many are never chosen. International adoption is usually a closed-adoption process, but most countries are more strict in their rules. In some, you cannot be over the age of 40. George just turned 40 in March. And in others you cannot be on prescription medication in order to adopt. Let's all laugh out loud about that one.

If George and I see God's plan is for us to parent, our options are limited: gestational carrier--lay terms means surrogacy (my estimates have shown baseline $30,000 to 60,000, not including the $11,000 for IVF as I'm not diagnosed with infertility) OR pregnancy where I carry the child.

So unless I win the lottery or have a generous village of people raise the money for a gestational carrier my only choice would be pregnancy. And that would be an adventure of sacrifice, challenge, stopping medications that help treat my Migraines, hormonal craziness, a necessary village of hands-on supporters and the unknown.

So after being educated on how difficult it would be for me to have a child after living through the years of chronicity that I have, here is a letter I composed from my nonexistent child:
Mommy, I think you would be a wonderful parent along with Daddy. I see how much you loved Brittany, Emily, Knightley and how much you love Zoe and Giselle. I know you would love on me a gazillion times more. Keep trusting that God has a plan for you and Daddy. Keep enjoying the family you have now and focus on living in the moment with joy. I wouldn't want you to miss all that God has in store for you right now while you are waiting and hoping that someday I will come along. And if we never get to meet, I know that if you keep your eyes on God and continue to live in the moment, you are going to have the best life with Daddy.  

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by


  1. As always, you are amazingly poignant. This is truly beautiful.

  2. As always, your writing is amazingly poignant. This is truly beautiful.


  3. That made me cry because you wrote it so beautifully. (You always do!) I'm living the adoption rollercoaster right now (we raised the insanely overpriced funds, finished the homestudy, got matched, had a ton of drama with the birthmom disappearing, then turned up again, then had the baby without telling us and changed her mind on Mother's Day, ouch, and are now in the waiting phase again with our agency), and I've been through those moments where I was afraid I'd never be healthy enough to adopt, but thankfully things are steady at the moment health-wise and we feel like it's the best option. It's tough when you want something so badly and yet God tells you "wait" or "it's not the right time." And international adoption is so exclusionary, as you found made me sad that some countries excluded us because my husband had some depression when a close family member died from cancer...apparently any therapy or medical help in your history is viewed as a bad thing. So sad that kids in need are being kept from good people who simply had medical issues and were wise enough to treat them. Grr. I could rant on that for a while!

    Anyway, I truly hope and pray that you and George (and also my husband and I) get to experience parenthood one day. Until then, you gave me a good reminder to embrace and enjoy the time we have together right now and not forget how important that is. So thanks! We'll have to just be the best parents we can be to our "fuzzy babies" for now. :)

  4. What courage you have to share this story.
    As you know, I too had to give up the hope of being a mother.
    Yes, we were going to foster, and that was an easier process. Only because the parents didn't have to choose us, and they aren't as strict about health issues. As long as your doctor says you pass the physical, they were great.
    Our fostering agency also had an adoption agency with it. You only pay the court cost. We would have been able to adopt for less than $2000. Yes it's harder to get babies, but it happens. I know 2 families who adopted babies through fostering. One is amazing, she adopted 2 from the same family. One was a baby, the other 2 years old...and they look just like her and her husband. Blond and blue eyed, beautiful family. The other is a white family who adopted a black baby. That is more normal here.

    I don't know if that would be something you may be interested in, I just wanted to share our experience. We have 3 families in our very small neighborhood (85 houses) who are foster parents. It's amazing.
    We still have days when we really hurt that we cannot help a child in need. But it's just not possible with my health. The MAV is controlling my life right now. Unfortunately, I don't see that stopping.

    love to you.
    good luck my friend.