I know I have missed a lot in the lives of so many that I love. I am also thankful for so many of you who have followed me these last almost two months and given your support while I was at Mayo Clinic for two weeks. I really do not want to write about me, I really want to hear from you and how you are. The problem is, I still don't have enough resources-physically or emotionally-to get back to you all. But, getting emails especially from a certain high school friend who was one of two "average" (non-chronically ill) persons to respond to my request to "please tell me how you are" really thrills me.
I did not feel like I had any reserves to give anyone anything, which is why I have stayed away. We have to take care of ourselves before we can be there for others in any capacity. In part of taking care of myself, I have learned about and made my goal something called "Otium Sanctum" or "holy leisure" which is described by Richard Foster in his book, The Celebration of Discipline.
It refers to a sense of balance in the life, an ability to be at peace through the activities of the day, an ability to rest and take time to enjoy beauty, an ability to pace ourselves.I have not really pulled it off, but I strive for it. For me, Otium Sanctum has meant watching and photographing the budding trees and lilac bushes. It has also meant spending lots of focused time with God through prayer, meditation, reading scripture, books, and a commentary on 2 Corinthians in a way I had not before. For me, spending time with God has been a rejuvenating fuel.
Also, I am working quite hard at pushing my physical limits. My stamina is painfully low, my muscles appallingly weak, and my weight, well, frustratingly above what I want it to be. I am in a place where I don't know where my limits are physically. Being driven, ambitious and stubborn works against me when I feel good enough go for a short walk to the lake with the dogs and find myself having gone farther than I told myself I would and then spent the next day grounded because my body wasn't ready for such a long walk. This is definitely not balance!! But I learned from the lesson.
I get very impatient because I desperately want to be doing the "average" person things...or maybe "average" chronically ill person things, if there is such a thing, which there probably isn't.
Okay, I just want to be doing more and I have trouble seeing the progress that George sees. My impatience is not peaceful. Everything is all baby steps. The expectations I have for myself are way to high and I've started to be way too harsh on myself if I don't complete what I want to do in a day (which really isn't all that much if you look at it from an "average" point of view). I need to scale back or else I'll stay on this roller coaster of pushing too far and then being completely incapable of doing anything. And let's not forget the health issues that complicate things. It is a fine line to walk of pushing and resting. What I really need to do is give myself grace for what I cannot do and for the mistakes I make in attempting to find balance.
I digress. I have started to have blog ideas pop into my head again, which means I am ready to write again. And I am excited. I am not sure how to balance it as I do not like spending so much time on the computer currently and some days find it impossible, but I will do my best.
I'm fearful to exclaim "I'm back!". So I'll whisper "I am here." I am looking forward to connecting with you all again.