Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I am here.

Hello dear readers. I have missed you. I am slowly returning online. After such a hiatus, I find being online to be quite overwhelming. Since quite often, I have difficulty processing what I am reading, it became more painful to attempt to be online than to just let it go.  I have had other priorities which included taking care of myself, which has been hard when I love spending time with and learning with you all.

I know I have missed a lot in the lives of so many that I love. I am also thankful for so many of you who have followed me these last almost two months and given your support while I was at Mayo Clinic for two weeks. I really do not want to write about me, I really want to hear from you and how you are. The problem is, I still don't have enough resources-physically or emotionally-to get back to you all. But, getting emails especially from a certain high school friend who was one of two "average" (non-chronically ill) persons to respond to my request to "please tell me how you are" really thrills me. 

I did not feel like I had any reserves to give anyone anything, which is why I have stayed away.  We have to take care of ourselves before we can be there for others in any capacity.  In part of taking care of myself, I have learned about and made my goal something called "Otium Sanctum" or "holy leisure" which is described by Richard Foster in his book, The Celebration of Discipline.
It refers to a sense of balance in the life, an ability to be at peace through the activities of the day, an ability to rest and take time to enjoy beauty, an ability to pace ourselves.
I have not really pulled it off, but I strive for it. For me, Otium Sanctum has meant watching and photographing the budding trees and lilac bushes. It has also meant spending lots of focused time with God through prayer, meditation, reading scripture, books, and a commentary on 2 Corinthians in a way I had not before. For me, spending time with God has been a rejuvenating fuel.

Also, I am working quite hard at pushing my physical limits. My stamina is painfully low, my muscles appallingly weak, and my weight, well, frustratingly above what I want it to be. I am in a place where I don't know where my limits are physically. Being driven, ambitious and stubborn works against me when I feel good enough go for a short walk to the lake with the dogs and find myself having gone farther than I told myself I would and then spent the next day grounded because my body wasn't ready for such a long walk. This is definitely not balance!! But I learned from the lesson.

I get very impatient because I desperately want to be doing the "average" person things...or maybe "average" chronically ill person things, if there is such a thing, which there probably isn't.

Okay, I just want to be doing more and I have trouble seeing the progress that George sees. My impatience is not peaceful. Everything is all baby steps.  The expectations I have for myself are way to high and I've started to be way too harsh on myself if I don't complete what I want to do in a day (which really isn't all that much if you look at it from an "average" point of view).  I need to scale back or else I'll stay on this roller coaster of pushing too far and then being completely incapable of doing anything. And let's not forget the health issues that complicate things. It is a fine line to walk of pushing and resting. What I really need to do is give myself grace for what I cannot do and for the mistakes I make in attempting to find balance.

I digress. I have started to have blog ideas pop into my head again, which means I am ready to write again. And I am excited.  I am not sure how to balance it as I do not like spending so much time on the computer currently and some days find it impossible, but I will do my best.

I'm fearful to exclaim "I'm back!". So I'll whisper "I am here." I am looking forward to connecting with you all again.


  1. Yay!! My heart is jumping for joy just seeing your words, no matter how slowly they come in the future. I love that, in Christ, it's possible for me to miss you despite never having actually met in person. I love you and George like you are a part of my biological family. ~Rachel Graze

  2. My prayers went up often ...hoping your treatment had some positive outcomes and that u can resume writing & reaching other goals.
    Love ya!!! Tiffany

  3. Sweetheart, you have been on my heart and mind so much. It's beyond wonderful to see you back, even if it's just here and there. I'm so excited that you're feeling the "itch" to write again. It's so funny that you and I seem to share a lot of the same experiences at the same time in the journeys we're on. I haven't been back (active) online until pretty recently. I've started getting the itch to write. I'm trying to push myself (too hard) to get more done and exercise more (walking with Jeremy). I'm also too hard on myself, and am working on grace and forgiveness... I really need to learn this for myself. I'm always "here" if you want to shoot me a quick text or something, when you're feeling up to it. Know that you're in my prayers, dear friend. Lots of love!!!

  4. Grace is everything. Be kind to yourself as you learn your limits and work to expand them.

    I for one am doing as well as possible and really happy to see you blogging again.

    Take care, Kelly!

  5. Yay, your "presence" in life was sorely missed! I love you!

  6. Welcome back! I love Foster's book; my Bible study did it a while back. Don't worry, you didn't miss any headache breakthroughs from me - same old, same old. ;)

  7. Hi! I just found you! I think that's important. :)
    Take care and we will see you online again when you are up for it.