Monday, January 30, 2012

Hurt People hurt people.


Time out.

Step back. Cool down. Take a deep breath. Now take another.

Hurting people hurt people. It is true. We often don't mean to but we still do. In October 2011, I shared about when George did something to upset me and I unleashed my hurt upon him. I encourage you to read it even if you've read it before Yesterday, I lost my temper.

If you are hurting for whatever reason:
family issues
relationship issues
someone was unjustly cruel to you
you've been abused in some way 
you feel lost
you are lonely
you have been abandoned
you have been betrayed
something complicated that you can't explain
for a reason you don't know,
(fill in the blank)                ,
or all of the above combined:

First of all let me send you some compassion for enduring your hurt. Next, I think it is important when we are hurting that we remember to take a breath before we talk, phone, write, text, IM, email, tweet, message or communicate period.

We need to be aware of and take responsibility for:

our pain,
             our rage,
                          our anger,
                                       our sadness,
                                                          our frustration,
                                                                               our irritation,
                                                                                                our bitterness,
                                                                                                                       our darkness.

Our hurt.

Hurt People hurt people.
  • Hurt magnifies and fogs everything at the same time. We do not see as clearly. We do not think as clearly.
  • Our hurt may lead us to ramp up the defense and put us on the offense.
  • Our hurt might lead us to lash out.
  • Our hurt may lead us to give up and shut down.
  • Our hurt makes us susceptible compare by saying "I have it better/worse off than s/he does"
  • Our hurt might make us feel like yelling, "If only they knew ____!"
  • Our hurt may lead us to ask "Why don't they/do they _____?" 
  • Our hurt (fill in the blank)                                                                       .
Hurt People hurt people.

We are a global community, national community, health community, friendship community, family community all of hurt people.

I am a hurt person. You are a hurt person. We may not often or always feel it or show it, but we all have had hurt at some point in our lives.

Being aware and taking responsibility for our hurts is the first step in not hurting someone else. Choosing to have compassion for others is another step. Today I was hurt by a hurting person. I am betting so were some of you. (((Gentle hugs.)))

I am going to conclude this post the same way I concluded Yesterday, I lost my temper by saying,
So many people bail when times get tough. Let's not hurt the ones that stick around.
I do not like writing posts that "label" people one way. My belief is that we have many facets to us and in this post I write about just one of those facets: hurt.


  1. How very appropriate for me to read this today. Not because I hurt someone...well I did, but I didn't intend to, and honestly feel if the person wasn't in pain, what happened wouldn't have hurt her feelings.
    I tried to understand, even apologized, I am sincerely sorry I hurt her feelings.

    She wrote me in a rage, I did not understand most of it. Finally I think I figured out what was bothering her, so I wrote her back...reaching for an answer, apologizing..ect...that was 2 days ago, and I've heard nothing back. I know she is hurting, I think she didn't understand and lashed out, but now I can't seem to make it right.

    I don't know what else to do.

    Now I'm hurt even more.

    However, this post made me really think about the other person and how she hurts...every day...and things can be magnified with all that hurt.

    I wish it hadn't happened. I've lashed out at people when I'm hurt, but I always acknowledge it later, and try to make amends. I'm really at a loss on this one.

    but at least you helped me think a bit more about it, I was starting to get angry and more hurt, but now, even if she never speaks to me again, I know she was talking from pain, and could not see past it to understand.

    1. Hi Wendy!
      I hear your pain. Relationships are so complicated!

      Even if we've hurt people and their hurt comes into play too, it is my philosophy that we have to take responsibility for what we've done and once we've done that, and apologized, it is time to move on and let the person be. As hard as that might be. Something that I've come to learn from a book called "Boundaries" (and also "Changes that Heal" which changed my life!) by Dr. Henry Cloud is that we can only be responsible for our own feelings. If someone else is mad at us for a reason that is messed up, we can only make sure that we are doing what is best on our side of the fence and move forward. Some times there is nothing we can do or say to change the way the other person feels--because of their history or my history or our history. We have to let it go--not in a vindictive way, but in a way that says "Okay. They feel this way. I accept that they have a right to feel that way. I am going to move on."

      I think you also bring up a good point that sometimes, when we lash out at people in our hurt, and the other person repsonds & withdraws, it is important to give them their space. Perhaps they need time to work through how they've been hurt before they can talk about it.

      Hugs to you and I hope things are better with your friend.

  2. Greetings, I just came across your blog and I think it's quite powerful and much needed. As someone who's "been there" in more ways than one, I feel fortunate to have found this. Pain can be isolating in so many ways, I totally agree that we can't afford to lose those around us who support and love us.

    1. Hi!
      Thanks for your comment(s)! I moderate my comments before I publish them which is why you didn't see your comment pop up after you sent it. :)

      I'm so happy you came across my blog too! How did you find me?

      As you say, any type of pain can isolate us. I am fortunate to have a very forgiving husband who does not hold grudges.

      I look forward to hearing more from you and connecting!