I am terribly moved by the response I have gotten to my July 19th Migraine and Suicide post. So many people have been so brave in sharing their stories with me. It brings tears to my eyes to see what a beautiful caring community we have. I feel excitement because I feel such purpose and passion and cannot wait to write more. Every now and again, I pick up my laptop, write a few sentences or do some research and then have to put it down.
My limitations are keeping me from thinking straight and I must wait to work more on the posts for series for which I have so much passion. My mind is scrambled by the sedation and dizziness from a new medication, my body is fried from the constant stabbing nature of Fibromyalgia and a relentless Migraine and I am exhausted from the frequent seizing. So, instead of pushing against the limitations, I'm not going to struggle.
I was sitting up in bed this morning, trying gather the courage to spend some spoons (energy) on taking a shower, which I had not done since Thursday because it had been too painful and costly. I was about to grab for my khaki shorts off a straight backed wooden chair, but stopped. I wandered into our second bedroom and pulled a dress out of the closet.
"Why not?" I thought.
After my shower, with the spoons I had left, I spent some on Tai Chi to calm my spirit, and stretch my body. I called my dad because it his fifty-seventh birthday today and spoke with both of my parents via speaker phone for thirty-eight minutes. With only a few spoons left for the rest of the day, I have been laying on the couch coping with what my body throws at me the best way I know how. And I'm wearing my turquoise dress. The last time I wore it, I was walking on a beach in Corolla, North Carolina. Looking down at the short flowing dress, memories of relaxation and calm flood over me.
During these days, when I am so sick by any and all of my health conditions, sometimes all I can do is mark time. If you are disabled in any way, you probably know what I mean. Some days, you simply have to wait for the hours to pass while your body goes through the disease process and then while it recovers. With drive and a purpose, this is the ultimate challenge.
So today, I want to say that I chose to live...not just exist, to live. I may be marking time, but I am still living. To me, living is embracing the right now for what it is and choosing to not let it defeat me. I may not have a choice in the war inside my body, but I do have a choice about how I live.
Today I am living by wearing my turquoise dress. What is your turquoise dress today? What are you doing to live despite your circumstances?